Tantrum Tuesday vol. 8: Feelins.

Let me start by saying….PMS, can you please fuck off?! I was totally stable (relatively) until you showed up at my door. I’m already a disaster and now I’m overwhelmed with hormones. Just go away!!

Wow, my gloom and doom side just reared it’s ugly head in that intro huh?! The truth is that I am struggling with my mental health. I have been for YEARS. It is hard for me to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. I’m an introverted bottler with avoider tendencies. A smile, nod, and wink sells the lie. If I don’t address it, it does not exist. My life has no place for weakness, emotions, and feelings because that means I would have to face them head on and ain’t nobody got time for that. It is exhausting. To make matters worse, I work in Customer Service so I have to deal with other people’s issues while trying to cope with my own. I often leave work feeling totally defeated and drained. I need a mental health month but who the hell can afford that?!

I try to find joy in the things that I love like music and makeup but I’m struggling. I do not want to be dependent on behavioral meds again because they aren’t a permanent solution, just a band-aid. I will say that being cocooned in my favorite hoodie helps comfort me but I still have to face the world. I need my own island. Anybody got an island they can spare? Deserted, please? I’ll take sparsely populated, if necessary. I will self-isolate and brood without bothering anyone.

Being introverted coupled with mental health issues is tough. People are constantly trying to bring you out of your shell, you have to be open to putting yourself (and your issues) out there, but in order to maintain a sense of normalcy, solitude is vital. At least, that’s how it is for me, I can’t speak on how others cope but I hope you can understand my dilemma.

Ugh, I’ve just showed my goopy side so now I have another reason to feel down in the mouth.

-JaxB